KATEGORIE: Vtipy anglicky

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

In the Sovetski Svaz two men meet in a prison. One asks: – How many years did they give you? – Five years. – What did you do? – Nothing! – You lying fu*king dog! For nothing, the Soviet Authorities give ten years!

A man was driving his car along the road in the countryside, when suddently a cock ran in fron of his car. Unfortunately he couldn`t stop in time and he ran over the cock. The man stopped his car and walked to the farmhouse nearby.
„I`m terribly sorry,“ said the man. „But I`ve just killed your cock. I realise he must be very important to you so I`d like to replace him.“
„Thanks for your offer,“ said the farmer, „but I think I will go and buy another cock.“

„Are you coming out to play?“
„No, I`ve got to help Dad with my homework.“

Why Italian boys have small black moustaches? They like to be similar to their mothers.

„I don`t want you using those bad words any more.“
„But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them.“
„Well, don`t play with him again.“

A Japanese came to Tatry and speaks with the Baca, about the martialarts. So baca asks: – Show me something, Japanese. OK, there is a swoosh, boom, and Baca falls on the ground. He opens his one eye, and asks: – Co to belo ? – Ka-ra-te. – Show me something else, Japanese. OK, there is a pull, a swoosh, a shout, boom, boom, and Baca lies on the grass. He opens one eye, and asks: – co to belo ? – Ju-ji-tsu. – Japanese – now I will show you something, OK ? OK, there is a swoosh, a thud, boom, the Japanese on the ground, telephone, signal, ambulance, hospital, insurance, second floor. On the next day, the Japanese opens one eye, and asks: – Co to belo? And Baca says: – Se-ke-ra!

In the USA, they have: Bill Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johny Cash. In Slovakia, they have: Vladimir Meciar, no wonder, no hope, no cash.

Teacher:
„Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?“
Johnny:
„I didn`t even know it was ill.“

Teacher:
„What happened to your homework?“
Jerry:
„I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!“

Fuck is easy,
fuck is funny,
many people fuck for money.

If you think
that fuck is funny,
fuck yourself and save your money.

An Arabian guy at the aeroport: Name? Ahmed al-Rhazib. Sex? Three to five times a week. No, no… I mean male or female? Male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn’t that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast.

„What comes after the Bronze Age and the Iron Age?“
„The Heavy Metal Age, Sir!“

Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“

I open a newspaper – Brezhnev. I open radio – Brezhnev. I open TV – Brezhnev. I am afraid to open the toilet.