KATEGORIE: Vtipy anglicky

Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“

I open a newspaper – Brezhnev. I open radio – Brezhnev. I open TV – Brezhnev. I am afraid to open the toilet.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. „It´s just too hot to wear clothes today,“ complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. „Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?“ „Probably that I married you for your money.“

Knock Knock Knock. Who is there? Mary. Mary who? Mary christmas.

Teacher:
„You can`t sleep in class.“
Girl:
„No, but if you didn`t talk so loudly I could.“

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

In the Sovetski Svaz two men meet in a prison. One asks: – How many years did they give you? – Five years. – What did you do? – Nothing! – You lying fu*king dog! For nothing, the Soviet Authorities give ten years!

A man was driving his car along the road in the countryside, when suddently a cock ran in fron of his car. Unfortunately he couldn`t stop in time and he ran over the cock. The man stopped his car and walked to the farmhouse nearby.
„I`m terribly sorry,“ said the man. „But I`ve just killed your cock. I realise he must be very important to you so I`d like to replace him.“
„Thanks for your offer,“ said the farmer, „but I think I will go and buy another cock.“

„Are you coming out to play?“
„No, I`ve got to help Dad with my homework.“

Why Italian boys have small black moustaches? They like to be similar to their mothers.

„I don`t want you using those bad words any more.“
„But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them.“
„Well, don`t play with him again.“

A Japanese came to Tatry and speaks with the Baca, about the martialarts. So baca asks: – Show me something, Japanese. OK, there is a swoosh, boom, and Baca falls on the ground. He opens his one eye, and asks: – Co to belo ? – Ka-ra-te. – Show me something else, Japanese. OK, there is a pull, a swoosh, a shout, boom, boom, and Baca lies on the grass. He opens one eye, and asks: – co to belo ? – Ju-ji-tsu. – Japanese – now I will show you something, OK ? OK, there is a swoosh, a thud, boom, the Japanese on the ground, telephone, signal, ambulance, hospital, insurance, second floor. On the next day, the Japanese opens one eye, and asks: – Co to belo? And Baca says: – Se-ke-ra!

In the USA, they have: Bill Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johny Cash. In Slovakia, they have: Vladimir Meciar, no wonder, no hope, no cash.

Teacher:
„Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?“
Johnny:
„I didn`t even know it was ill.“

Teacher:
„What happened to your homework?“
Jerry:
„I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!“